Monday Night Ryan: The Golden Shield?

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Monday Night Ryan is back with yet another review of the longest running weekly episodic television show in history. Tonight, Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose challenge Da Bah for the Raw Tag Team Championships, will they succeed? If they do, the WWE’s most popular trio will have allllll the gold… that actually shows up every week. Did they? Find out!

Monday Night Ryan: The Golden Shield?

Family Feud

The show opened with WWE Hall of Famer and award-winning Mr. Clean impersonator, Kurt Angle. He was recapping the show, announcing the Tag Team Championship match and an Intercontinental Championship bout for Roman Reigns. Angle was about to announce Roman’s opponent when Jason Jordan came out to a chorus of boos, not woos.

JJ demanded a match with Roman, but Angle was hesitant, stating that his leg isn’t 100%. Jordan listed all the opponent’s he’s faced, saying he deserves a title shot. Except uh… he lost all of those matches. Angle was pausing when, for the first time ever, the crowd for happy for Reigns to interrupt.

Reigns came down, brushed off Jordan, and demanded a match with Samoa Joe. Reigns talked down to Jordan, saying that opportunities are earned, not given. Jordan tried to flip it, saying Reigns is the poster boy for being given opportunities, but the big dawg actually handled it pretty well. The two were about to start scrapping when Samoa Joe’s music hit and he came out, accepting the challenge.

Then Jordan said that he’s really tough, unlike Joe, because he doesn’t have to attack people from behind. And then literally five seconds later, he attacked Reigns from behind. Reigns wasn’t a fan, saying he’d fight Joe later tonight, but he’d wrestle Jordan right now.

Segment/Match Quality- 4/10 Woo’s

Jason Jordan vs. Roman Reigns

The first of two Intercontinental Championship matches tonight took place when Samoa Joe took on Jason Angle. In all seriousness, if he’s actually Kurt’s son, why doesn’t he change his name? Not in kayfabe, legally. Legally change his name to Jason Angle.

Reigns just threw Jordan around the ring, and this is exactly the way Roman should be booked. Reigns is a powerhouse? Book him that way. Did you ever see Kane or Undertaker bumping around for someone smaller than them? No. If he’s a powerhouse, let him be a powerhouse.

The match was a bit boring. It was very paint-by-numbers, and while Reigns tried his best to get Jordan over, none of his false finishes were very convincing. I never, ever, ever thought I’d say this, but sometimes, it’s okay for Reigns to have dominant wins.

There were some cool spots where Jason Jordan was able to demonstrate his impressive athleticism, but in the end, Reigns was able to hit the spear for the win. Meh. The match went to commercial twice, the pacing was off, and again, the predictability hurt. After the bout, Joe came in, and began attacking Roman, locking in the Coquina Clutch, which Jordan interrupted with a suplex.  Apparently Roman wasn’t grateful, because he knocked Jordan out of the ring with a Superman Punch.

Segment/Match Quality- 5/10 Woo’s

Paige w/Absolution vs. Sasha Banks w/Mickie James & Bayley

Hey! It’s Paige’s first match in actual years! And it was nice to see a fresh match-up. It’s not the first time we’ve seen this, but it’s a match we haven’t seen 900 times this month. Unfortunately, that didn’t make it any better. I don’t know, something was just missing from this bout.

Maybe Paige is still rusty, maybe it was thrown together too quickly, but the crowd wasn’t into it and it didn’t seem to have any structure. This match went on for quite a while, and then the rest of Absolution brawled with James and Bayley, distracting Paige long enough to get the win.

After the match, Absolution beat up Paige and Alexa Bliss, who had been on commentary, ran for the hills. We’re halfway through the show and we’ve had two matches, what the hell?

Segment/Match Quality- 4/10 Woo’s

Mustafa Ali vs. Cedric Alexander vs. Tony Nese vs. Drew Gulak

Oh good cruiserweight action. Before this match, there was a backstage segment featuring Enzo giving the heel cruiserweights a pep talk. After said pep talk Nia Jax showed up and made suggestive faces at Enzo. What does this mean? I have no idea, but to quote AJ Styles’ theme song, I don’t want none.

At this point, the Bengals offense really started to get going, and Jon Gruden said something ridiculous. What’s that, that’s Monday Night Football? C’mon, if the WWE don’t care about cruiserweight segments, why should I? And also, why do some fans want Jon Gruden as a head coach? After his miserable end in Tampa Bay and this ridiculous commentary? Let it go. Fine, I’ll cover the CW segment.

In all seriousness, it was a fundamentally good match that was mostly stolen by Cedric Alexander and Mustafa Ali, who are both far too talented for this sorry division. Ali hit a top-rope spanish fly onto Alexander and I about crapped my pants. However, he couldn’t capitalize in time and Drew Gulak broke up the pin.

After Alexander hit his finish on Nese and Ali, Drew Gulak was able to run in and steal the pin, as some handsome son-of-a-gun predicted.

Segment/Match Quality- 3/10 Woo’s

Elias vs. Braun Strowman

Some towns love Elias, some towns hate Elias, but let me tell you something, these are always my favorites. The crowd was into it at first, and he managed to turn them against him, and that’s the mark of a truly great heel. You know what the mark of a great babyface is? When your music hits and the crowd loses it, and that’s exactly what happened when Braun Strowman came out.

Strowman turned his back on Elias for a minute, and WWE’s resident rock star took his moment to attack. That worked really well for all of five seconds until Strowman started destroying the Macho Man lookalike. Elias smashed his guitar over Strowman’s back, and he didn’t seem to enjoy that.

Strowman made quick work of Elias, hitting his running powerslam on his opponent before throwing the steel steps into the ring. Then the lights dimmed and Kane’s music hit, and I’ll be honest, Kane is a lot less intimidating without the pyro and when he’s 50 years old.

Kane showed up on the titantron, selling his neck, and promising to destroy Strowman next week. Annnnnnd I guess it wasn’t actually a match because that was the end of that. Allllrighty then.

Segment/Match Quality- 6/10 Woo’s

Asuka vs. Alicia Fox

Tonight’s question is, do we believe Alicia Fox is ready for Asuka? Apparently she was significantly more prepared than Dana Brooke because she didn’t lose immediately. Her match lasted nearly 300 times longer! Of course, Brooke’s match only lasted like five seconds, so it’s not as impressive.

She eventually tapped Fox out with the armbar, but this match was far, far, far too competitive. If Sasha Banks or Bayley is competitive, that’s one thing, but Alicia Fox? Not thanks.

After the win, Absolution returned, and to this I ask, when is this faction going to get their own music? Don’t get me wrong, I missed Paige’s music, but don’t they pay CFO$ for something other than giving Baron Corbin a new theme every six weeks?

They circled the ring again, and just like last week, Asuka chose to leave the ring and make her way up the ring. Paige got into the ring and and professed her love for Fox, saying she was her only friend a year ago, but that Sonya and Mandy didn’t share her feelings. The rookies beat down the ten year vet as Paige watched, smirking.

Segment/Match Quality- 3/10 Woo’s

Finn Balor vs. Bo Dallas

Finn Balor made his entrance, and he absolutely wasn’t over at all and everyone hated him. It’s not like the entire crowd threw their hands up during his entrance and tried to too sweet him. Insert *over* joke here.

Shockingly, Bo actually dominated most of the match. THAT’LL SHOW YOU TO GET over ON YOUR OWN, WILDLY POPULAR WORLD FAMOUS SUPERSTAR. You know what would make a great punishment? If you stuck Finn with Gallows and Anderson. Yeah @WWE, that would sure show him.

There was a huge gap between Bo and Finn for the Coup De Gras, but Balor was able to leap OVER it for the win. That’s it. I’m all out of jokes. I’m over it.

Segment/Match Quality- 4/10 Woo’s

Matt Hardy vs. Bray Wyatt… Via Titantron

I don’t know how to explain this to anyone. Bray Wyatt and Matt Hardy had a promo duel where Wyatt spewed his normal nonsense and Matt broke into his infamous character. I was able to cover the “Sister Abigail” segment, but I’ve failed as a professional. I have no idea how to cover this.

I’m not going to bury it just yet, but I’m not optimistic either.

Segment/Match Quality- ?/? What’s?

Sean Ambrollins vs. Da Bah

I would be okay with this being the last time I see these two teams wrestle, I really would. I just don’t need to see it anymore. It’s been happening for like six months. All four of these men are extremely talented, but you know what? I’m sick of it. I love sushi, but I don’t want sushi every single night.

I honestly feel like I could copy and paste any of my previous Bar/Shield reviews and it would be pretty consistent with this match. There were some pretty spots, like Rollins pulling out a flipping DDT, but ultimately, it was a boring bout. Sheamus and Cesaro just beat on Rollins and Ambrose until the ref called the match.

However, Angle wasn’t having it, so he re-started the match, making it no disqualification. Samoa Joe came out and started attacking Rollins and Ambrose, so Reigns came out to chase him away, but in the confusion, Sheamus hit Ambrose with a Brogue Kick and threw Cesaro onto him for the win. Well. That was stupid.

Segment/Match Quality- 5/10 Woo’s

Woo Count- 34/80 Total Possible Woo’s (42.5%)

Worth Watching?

Not really. Just YouTube the Matt Hardy thing, and any match you’re really interested in. Nothing outstanding happened and nothing really changed. You’ll live if you decided to watch Monday Night Football instead.

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